I went to the Doctor. "I feel lost, blind with love. What should I do? Give up owning things and being somebody. Quit existing.
—Rumi
All that you are unable to give, possesses you.
—André Gide
Perhaps loving something is the only starting place there is for making your life your own.
—Alice Koller
Letting Go
I am taking the words of the meditation on my 63rd birthday to the letter.
"Be sure not to leave anything behind that would cause you to have to come back."
I am not leaving anything in storage this time. I am leaving the friends who have become my family, the family of my blood and offspring, the material things whose only value is what price someone is willing to pay. I am leaving a city that some call "The Happiest Place on Earth," but that too is relative to where you are standing. A city I have left trice before and returned to as often. I am leaving a life which is no longer mine. This time, I know I won't be coming back here to live.
My soul is floating over the Fiji Islands exploring our new home and sometimes gently swaying in the hammock that this physical body is left to purchase along with all the other requirements of a new adventure. The packing of a lifetime into 50 pounds. What is sold, what is given away, what is tossed is determined by need or importance. A shedding of skins, a chrysalis! And although my body is paying the physical price of moving with aching muscles and weary bones, the weight and burden of stuff is being relieved.
Funny how my choices are made. The rock of a man's face, I found on the beach after a storm will go to the friend who was with me that day but also because of its weight. Yet my favorite cast iron skillet will be safely packed. I find my decisions are based on the usefulness of an item more than an emotional attachment. But that is not always a reliable indicator. An afghan my mother knitted for me as a fortieth birthday present will have no practical use in Fiji but will make the journey wrapped around the skillet, insuring the safe arrival of each. My books, my books. They always suffer the most when I travel because of their weight and this time is no exception. Fifteen books. I made a numerical limitation as an emotional one would have had me over the weight limit for air baggage. They will be shipped along with a few other favorite useful items from this world.
I have the collected memories, photographs, postcards, etc. of travels, people, and experiences of my life. Yearbooks, diplomas, certificates. These have no real value and are yet priceless in many ways. These keepsakes are stored in what I call my Rainy Day box. In the past if I needed a little boost, an emotional pick me up, I would get down my Rainy Day box and randomly pick a letter to tell me I am loved, a photograph to remember a person, place or time, some words to inspire. There were times during this life when I took my Rainy Day box down often. Now, I no longer need the physical evidence of my past to travel with me and I have arranged for these keepsakes to remain here to be available for family and friends to reflect upon when I die. I am making new memories now. They will only be retained until they are forgotten, no longer keepsakes in storage for a rainy day. My boost is waking up each morning, my inspiration is life and my memories will no longer take me to where it is I want to be.
Although the selection of what will go and what will not is sometimes taxing, I am very aware I don't want to take too much of this world with me. I don't want my friends to send care packages of American goods because the parts of life I want, will make the journey with me. I am already a part of the islands. I will make do with and eat the fruits of availability rather than of habit, of consciousness rather then accumulation.
I am counting down the days to the landing in my new world when this body will join its soul for another great adventure in being alive. I so love this life I live.
"And the Sun and Moon sometimes argue who will tuck me in at night. If you think I am having more fun than anyone on this planet, you are absolutely correct."
Photo Credit: Clouds Over The South Pacific, Tao, 2011.