I say to my breath once again, little breath come from in front of me, go away behind me, row me quietly now, as far as you can, for I am an abyss that I am trying to cross.
—W.S. Merwin
How Did I Get Here?
When my Passport expired two years ago, I decided not to renew the costly item as I had no intention of traveling after my retirement. I did all my traveling during my young and middle adulthood because I didn't want to travel with an old body. The parts of the world I wanted to see were mostly seen from the seat of a loaded touring bike and as a four year tour guide for Backroads Bicycle Touring. My traveling days were over, there was no place I wanted to travel to or visit. I no longer cared to experience the airport lines, the baggage hassles and flight delays. My expired passport had matched my lack of desire to see any more of the world. I was content to live out my life without travel of any kind.
So how is it now that I am getting rid of everything I own, once again, including a new Vespa 300 Super I purchased only three weeks ago as a birthday present for myself and moving to a place I never thought of visiting, let alone moving to? Krishnamurti said, "We live life forward but understand it backwards." Looking back I see how all the events of the last month (April 2011) led to my current situation. A dream, a meeting, photographs, a new found cousin and a new home in Fiji. The picture above is my front yard, across the road is the ocean beach.
I could share with you the facts and details but it would read like any short story string of events. What I want to talk about is life and how sometimes it moves with a soft gentleness and other times it takes a slap to the head to get my attention. It is important to be aware as life happens around you and to learn to completely surrender in its arms. "Opportunity only knocks once" and then walks away. If it takes the slap to the head, it means you are fighting your life's flow, your chi. Your resistance is due to fear and fear freezes your flow of life.
So what are you afraid of? I know, everything, but more than likely it is change. The unknown frightens us and locks us in indecision. My rational mind tries to talk me out of this leaving. After all, I live a comfortable life and there is no reason to upset the apple cart. But sometimes a choice must be made and I believe the only free will we have is the choice of allowing our fears to rule us or not. So my choice is to choose between loving the life I live, which is safe and requires no change, or living the life I might love, still an imagined unknown requiring a number of changes.
During a morning meditation on my birthday last Sunday I asked if I should go to Fiji. I did not receive the usual yes or no reply. Instead the message was "be sure not to leave anything behind that would cause you to have to come back." It was clear and direct. I am supposed to be in Fiji. Everything is working toward the beginning of a new adventure for me. I just had to get me onboard with life again. And although the slap to the head was not needed, that afternoon my landlord told me my home for the last five years had sold and is in a 45 day escrow. It had been on the market for three years without so much as a nibble.
"Bula" is the greeting used in Fiji. Bula means 'life', and life happens for us in a way which continues to make me realize over and over that I am not in charge. As much as I like to believe in free will, I know from every experience in my life the influence, and undercurrents of forces over which I exercise no control whatsoever. Whenever these forces come into play, my life is completely and totally transformed.
"Bula, Bula." I'm going to Fiji to continue living this life I love.
Photo Credit: View of Front Yard, L.L.Battles, Digital Image, 2010.